Al's Rantings

A view of the world from a hillbilly perspective.

Location: Virginia

I was born and went to school in the heart of the Appalachian mountains, in southern West Virginia. After graduating from college, I got married, and began working in Bristol, TN. I have have various jobs from Tennessee to up state New York and a few points between. Now I work in West Virginia. Some day, I want to live in Alaska.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Southern Entrance Exam for Yankees

I cannot take credit for this exam. I read it in the Monroe Watchman (WV).

Admit it, everyone want to live in the south. Its a great place with great people. However, Yankees with school smarts may not be able to survive the south so there needs to be an entrance exam. So before a Yank can move south of the Mason-Dixon line, the following test must be passed.

1. Using your knowledge of calculus, geometry, and trigonometry, calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support the weight of a ten pound possum.
2. If your uncle has a still which opperates at a capacity of 20 gallons of moonshine produced per hour, how many old car radiators are required to condense the product?
3. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which has a maximum rpm of 12,700. The density of the trees in the plot to be harvested is 475 per acre. The plot size is 2.3 acres and the average diameter of a tree at breast height is 14.75 inches. Howmany beers will be consumed before the plot is cleared?
4. If every old refrigerator in the South vented a charge fo R-12 simultaneously, what would be the percentage of decrease in the ozone layer?
5. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24 inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span of the porch is 8 feet and the length is 16 feet. The porch floor is constructed of 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch finally collapses, how many hound dogs will die in the disaster?
6. A couple owns a house and 3.74 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. They have 5 children. Can each of their grown children place a moble home on the couple's land and still have enough room for their used electrical appliance to sit out front?
7. A coal truck is severely overloaded and proceeding down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes on the truck fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?
8. A deep coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2, Hazardous Area. The mine employes 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of the third shift. How many cartons of cigarettes will be smoked during this shift?
9. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate of 8.75% per generation, how long will it take a town that has been bypassed by the interstate highway system to produce a country and western singer?
10. Which of the following cars will rust out quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? (1) '65 Ford Fairlane, (2) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle, (3) '64 Pontiac GTO.

Bonus question: Fill in the blank. Grits are made from _____________

If you are from the South you know the answers already. If you are a Yankee invader, you wouldn't understand the answers and there ain't enough space and time to explain them to you.

Test over.


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