Al's Rantings

A view of the world from a hillbilly perspective.

Location: Virginia

I was born and went to school in the heart of the Appalachian mountains, in southern West Virginia. After graduating from college, I got married, and began working in Bristol, TN. I have have various jobs from Tennessee to up state New York and a few points between. Now I work in West Virginia. Some day, I want to live in Alaska.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Party At Al's House

I want to Rock and Roll all night, and party every day....Kiss

Party time at my house. This means that Little One and I were being evicted for the night, actually only a couple of hours. There is nothing like having a bunch of women come into your house, into your living room, that makes a guy happy to leave. Just imagine all the "honey do" jobs a mob of women can conjure up. I left because of the woman invasion. Little One left because, she is little, has quick hands and can move those hands erraticly at dizzying speeds when she picks up something she is not suppose to have and I am trying to get it back. Little One would grap all the products if possible. And since there is a universal "you break bought it" law, it was better for her to leave peacefully instead of running the rish of buying a bunch of broken or lost stuff.

Since being married, my house has been the location for many parties. My only parties have been an occasional Super Bowl party. The wife has hosted lots of parties for Longaberger baskets, some for Tupperware, maybe a few for Home Interior, and my favorite a few lingerie parties...yes lingerie! (Sadly I was not invited to stay for these...sigh).

Tonights party was...jewerly. Little pieces of metal that could be expensive. Good idea to have Little One wisked away. The Wife and her friends, spent 2 hours at this thing, bless their hearts. Jewerly is boring. That is why Lowes does not have a jewerly department, unless pocket knives count.

First came the eating. I am not complaining because I got a bowl of chili and a piece of chocolate cake before the festivities began. Sorta like the official taste tester. They eat because we live in the Bible belt and the official Baptist motto is "we don't eat, then we don't meet". This applies to any social get-together.

Next came the shopping. I try to imagine what this party would look like, but I cannot do it. On the other hand, I am able to imagine the goings-on at the lingerie party though.

Little One and I were taken in from the cold by my friend. His daughter babysit for Little One so that he and I could do a little male bonding around the XBOX by dishing out death and destruction to one another in a game called Halo. It was a good night.

If women want men to stay for a home party they should check into a party for Craftsman, NAPA, Probass, Lowes, or Victoria's Secret, etc

Saturday, September 23, 2006

Some times I just sit and think, and some times I just sit. Author Unknown, but could have been Al Bundy, Married With Children, or Homer Simpson.

The other night, after dinner supper, I had the opportunity to sit and think while enjoying my after dinner cup of Raven's Brew coffee. Actually it was unsweetened decaf iced tea, but that's just details. Quiet time at my house is minimal. It last about as long as Rosie O'Donnel can keep from talking. Little One had finished her mangle job on her food and was ready to get down and go into the living room so she could play, aka, cover the entire floor with toys. In order to complete her mission, she require energy, so she was also interested in doing her Cookie Monster impression, "ME WANT COOKIE!..."

This left me and the Wife some valuable "alone" time. I decided this was a perfect time to snuggle up to her and get romantic.

Me: Know what I'm gonna do when we move to Alaska?
Her: What? (This"what" was not an answer to my question but more a "what" that was universally understood to mean "what the heck are you talking about?")
Me: When I move to Alaska, you know what I'm gonna do?
Her: What? (This time an answer to my question)
Me: I'm gonna rent an apartment in the city, say Anchorage, and then buy a cabin with some land in the country.
Her: Why?
Me: This way, after working in the city all week, we can go to the cabin on weekends and enjoy solitude, quietness, wildlife, hiking, fishing, gun shooting, and wood cutting. John says wood cutting is a big thing in Alaska.
Her: Who's John?...Nevermind. Why not buy a house in the city and then buy a tent for your weekend excursions?

Note...some how this had went from a cabin where we all could stay to a tent for me to stay in...I'm OK with that.

Me: (Surprised that she no longer laughs at my Alaska dreams but has actually given some thought to this situation) I'm not ready for the cold weather. I need to ease into it like easing into a hot tub. Besides I'll need to buy some more stuff, cold weather, and a gun.
Her: OK... (loosing interest in the converstation)
Me: Maybe buy a small house in the city, a small cabin on some land, and a gun.
Her: Hmmmmmm (means we are done)

The End

I believe I am slowly buy surely wearing away at her defenses, like a beaver trying to down a giant Redwood tree. I can see signs of her weakening. Maybe this beaver needs to get a good chain saw!

Tuesday, September 12, 2006


"Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands -- and then eat just one of the pieces." - Judith Viorst

I don't know who Judith Viorst is, but I believe she is right about chocolate and strength. Who, I wonder, can stop eating chocolate after one bite. Surely not I. Speaking of chocolate, my favorite chocolate is not milk chocolate (I will eat it if in a pinch), but rather dark chocolate, and, expecially, the semi-sweet chocolate chips as seen above. I can sit and eat those by the handfuls. Or, I can put a few between my cheek and gum and just let them dissolve. Either way, they are very, very, good.

I started on the Adkins diet on Monday. I have been on this Adkins Diet a couple of other times. And the first couple of days are always the same. When I cease my intake of caffiene and sugar, I get a headache. This time, my eyes even ached. My goal on this diet is to loose 10% of my body weight, and I have until December 15 to get it done.

This really changes my life style. Gone are the sweets that I crave after a meal, or sometimes for no apparent reason. Chips and Cheetos are gone. Mountain Dew and Pepsi are 7Up, caffiene-free/unsweetened tea, and Diet Rite pop are now in. And no more of my recent favorite...barbaque Corn Nuts! No more pizza or hot dogs, but plenty of meat, cheese, and eggs. Adkins is low carbs, not low fat. Sure would like to have one of those reindeer sausages that I had on my trip to Anchorage

I am thinking of the perfect reward for reaching my goal. Maybe some special a reindeer sausage in downtown Anchorage. Or, maybe even a handgun!

"Hello Dr. Fleischman, mooseburger or caribou dog?" - Ed to Joel, Northern Exposure

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Diet Time

This is a sure sign that Fall is right around the corner.

It is time for me to get serious about a diet. I have tinkered with diets for a few years now. Now it must take center stage, like Eddie van Halen during his guitar sole in a Van Halen concert. The reason is that my britches are beginning to tighten. That is not a good thing. Recently, my food groups consisted of Little Debbies, chips, and sugar. Time to go on the Adkins special for a couple of weeks. During that time, my food groups will be eggs, cheese, and fat.

Loosing weight should be simple. Eat less and exercise more. The only problem with that scenario is that it is no fun. After supper, I need to get that greasy taste out of my mouth. Now better way that with Rocky Road ice cream. Now that will stop. Maybe a packet of Splenda will do the trick...probably not.

I do have a support group from work to help. There is a group who put up some money to start a Weight Loss competition. Set a goal, reach it, and be eligible for some cold hard cash. My goal is 20 pounds...the maximum allowed in the contest. Most people choose 20 pounds.

Good news and bad news. Bad news...we have a boat load of junk food in the house right now.

This stuff for example....

Good new...I start my diet on Monday. So I have this weekend to enjoy food and try not to eat like a bear getting ready for winter. Contest will end about 15 weeks from now.

Who knows, maybe Little Debbie will not be my mistress after 15 weeks.